Rose Thorne(She/Her)

Y’know what? Fuck yes. I would devour that in a fucking night. That is the kind of glorious trash I go possom over. The Duke and every Nazis nightmare taking on fascist aliens, dropping one-liners and big guns.

Fuck even trying to have a plot. That would work so amazingly well as a monster of the week. Have B.J call out Duke on his shit as someone who can actually go toe to toe with that overinflated ego.

Origins is the “best” of the new set, but there are older titles that beat them out if you’re okay with the older graphics. The AC2 trilogy is often considered one of the best, Black Flag is pretty unique and an absolutely fun time.

I have cats just under a year old, this is their first summer with eyes open. We’ve had a few fireflies get into the house, and watching them go nuts once they notice this weird flashing bug has been the highlight of my night lately. All 5 of them running in a little pack, eyes wide. Every time they light up, all the cats stop and just stare. It blows their little minds, and I love it.

Wait… “Brand New Day”? REALLY‽

That… That’s just like a Spiderman curse. There’s a deep evil connected to that name. There is no redemption, there is no hope. It took the new Ultimates line to break the One More Day effect, do not invoke it again.

That’d work…

In a very strange reboot of Johnny Bravo, who was a much more positive parody of characters like Duke Nukem. Duke is written as the stereotype who’d bag 'em, tag 'em, and jet to the next bed.

And Duke has kinda proven that. 3D has had multiple ports, some better than others, but barely anyone talks about the 2D GBA titles, and Forever will forever be a rotting flop.

The last big commercial success was at an end of an era, at best becoming an archaic parody of a branch of the industry no longer really made, at worst an uncomfortable artifact of a bygone era of entertainment.

I really need to just sit down and watch that. I keep seeing either “It’s insane, but absolutely great” or “It’s absolute dogshit”, and that’s the kinda shit I normally dig.

If they can turn something out with Duke that feels like Duke, I’m down, I’ll support it. He just feels like the most out of left field character to bring back, especially as something outside of a game.

A movie from '93. Which, I believe, influenced what is probably the most recognizable Duke outing, Duke 3D.

That’s kinda part of the point I’m making. Duke is a product of that time, of shallow action flicks with beefy dudes and solid one-liners, often with a little sexism tossed in for spice.

I’d argue both DMC and Castlevania has more depth than Duke. While DMC can be summed down to “Cocky man kicks ass”, there’s been greater depths explored with a lot of the cast. Not an ocean, of course, but there’s more to the characters than mere face value.

Castlevania has a wide cast of characters who, while not always presented in the most complex manner, have implied histories and personalities that can be built upon. There’s enough skeleton to support some good muscle.

Duke has the depth of a petri dish. He’s the embodiment of “What You See Is What You Get”.

Like I said elsewhere, a single movie in his peak, or a low budget tongue-in-cheek throwback, I could get behind.

I just don’t see the potential of a Duke series, or even a film getting beyond cult classic status among a select few.

In the actual time of Duke’s peak, absolutely. Hell, with a clever writer and director team, I would support a low-budget tongue-in-cheek flick.

But Duke is heavily a product of the times. I just can’t see a full take that wouldn’t rip out what makes him iconic, but equally terrible, as a character.

I have wanted to see him interact with Sal in some capacity for the longest time. I feel like there could be at least some “a better you” gags on Duke.

As someone who has a giant soft spot in her heart for Duke, what story is there to tell?

Duke Nukem is a simple man. He’s here to fuck up alien bastards(for taking the babes, crashing his ride, generally existing), save attractive women, and maybe remember to pick up that pack of gum on his way home.

He’s not really even a “character”, he’s a walking embodiment of 80s and 90s machismo with big guns and less plot than the typical comic book of the time. He’s a machine built for one-liners. He’s a never-ending thoughtless action flick you love because it takes so little actual thought to enjoy.

Do you need to cover a larger area? Spray.

Do you need precision, or to get a hard to reach spot? Stream.

Understanding what we need is the first step of action.

Have you tried shoving something up a species cloaca?

We’d have more dead chicken farmers.

Chickens are opportunistic omnivores. They will eat their dead, they will eat others eggs, they will eat their own goddamn eggs, if in desperate need.

If that bothers you, never look into pigs and wild boar.

“Easy to Use”. I certainly hope so, it’s a fucking spray bottle. What’s the hard to use option? Waiting until a new moon to summon Ba-Kok, God of Chickens to ask for a stay of cannibalism?

I want a man who can put me in a death roll.

Who up strokin’ their mole?

So, what, like, with a gorilla? They gonna strap a proton pack on a gorillas back?

That is so goddamn industry dependant, it almost hurts.

Right now is exactly when we want people taking time off. It’s slow as fuck, we can mainly get by with smaller teams if we’re caught up on production. Get the fuck off the clock for a week or two, that shit don’t roll over, you’re not getting it paid out, and you’re definitely not getting time off once summer ends.